Why is dating after divorce so hard?

Because you’re doing several hard things at once. You’re rebuilding who you are without the marriage, learning a dating world that changed while you were away, guarding against new risks, and often juggling kids, custody and money. It’s hard for real reasons, not because something is wrong with you. Most of those reasons ease with time, and with a little kindness toward yourself.

Is it just me, or is dating harder now?

It’s not just you. In a 2019 Pew Research Center survey, 47% of U.S. adults said dating had become harder than it was 10 years earlier.1 If your last first date was before smartphones were everywhere, the difference can feel even sharper.

The most common reason people gave was increased risk, including physical risk and being scammed or lied to (21%), followed by technology (12%).1 Risk weighed more heavily with age: 30% of 50 to 64 year olds who said dating was harder pointed to it, compared with 16% of 30 to 49 year olds.1

You’re also not alone in being back out there. Divorce has become more common later in life: among adults 50 and older, the divorce rate roughly doubled between 1990 and 2015, and among those 65 and older it roughly tripled.4 Plenty of people you’d meet are learning this again too.

Meet David, 49, an insurance adjuster, divorced two years after a 17-year marriage. He has his kids every other week. He made a dating profile in January, deleted it in February, made it again in May. He’s had five first dates. Two were lovely, one never showed, one talked about her ex for an hour, and one asked him to switch to a messaging app he’d never heard of within ten minutes.

Why does it feel so personal?

Because a divorce can shake how you see yourself, not just your relationship status. Years of being half of a couple build habits, identity and assumptions about the future. When that ends, every new date can feel like a test of whether you’re still lovable, rather than a simple question of whether you like this person.

That’s where self-compassion seems to help. In a study of 105 recently divorced adults, with an average age around 40 and an average of 13 years married, people who spoke about their separation with more self-compassion adjusted better soon after and up to nine months later.3 That held even when researchers accounted for traits like self-esteem and optimism.3 Self-compassion here means being kind to yourself, recognizing that divorce is a common human experience, and letting painful feelings pass instead of holding onto them.

In dating terms, it means a bad first date is a bad first date, not proof of anything.

Do I even want to marry again?

That uncertainty is one of the hardest parts, and it’s common. Pew found that 57% of divorced or widowed adults had remarried as of 2013.2 But among those who were currently divorced or widowed, 45% said they didn’t want to marry again, 21% said they did, and 31% weren’t sure.2 Women were much more likely than men to say they didn’t want to remarry (54% vs. 30%).2

That gap matters on dates. You might be looking for a partner to share a life with, and meet someone who wants companionship and separate homes. Or the reverse. Neither is wrong. But if nobody says it, you can both waste months.

What else makes it harder?

• Kids and custody. Alternate weekends, school events and a co-parent’s schedule shape your calendar.
• Money. A divorce often changes finances, sometimes sharply.
• Comparison. It’s natural to measure new people against your ex, in both directions.
• Caution. If trust was broken in your marriage, you may notice every small inconsistency.
• Practice. Dating skills get rusty. That’s normal, and they come back.

None of these are reasons to stop. They’re reasons to be patient with yourself.

What helps?

• Be clear about what you want, even if it’s “I’m not sure yet.” Say it early.
• Plan around your real schedule. Offer specific dates that work with custody weeks.
• Keep first dates short and public. Coffee or a walk is enough.
• Set firm safety habits. Don’t send money to anyone you haven’t met, be wary of pressure to move to a different app quickly, and tell a friend who you’re meeting.
• Notice comparison without obeying it. “That reminded me of my ex” is information, not a verdict.
• Talk to yourself the way you’d talk to a friend. That’s not soft. It’s what the research suggests helps.

David did two things differently in the fall. He started saying in his first message that he had his kids every other week, which filtered out people who weren’t interested. And he gave himself a rule: after a bad date, one evening of grumbling, then move on. His sixth first date was with a nurse named Ana. They’ve been seeing each other for two months.

What to do this week

• Write one sentence about what you want, and one about what you don’t know yet.
• List your free evenings for the next month, so you can offer real options.
• Set your safety rules before your next first date.
• After your next date, good or bad, write one kind sentence to yourself about it.
• If you feel stuck, or the divorce still dominates most days, a counselor who works with divorce can help you sort through it.

What doesn’t the research show?

• The “dating is harder” survey is from 2019 and asked about dating in general, not after divorce.1
• The remarriage figures are from 2013 data and cover divorced and widowed adults together.2
• The self-compassion study shows a link over time in one sample of 105 people, not proof that self-compassion causes recovery.3
• The divorce-rate figures describe trends among older adults, not your own odds.4
• The tips here are practical advice, not research findings.