Am I settling because I'm afraid of being alone after divorce?

Maybe partly, and that alone does not mean you are settling. After a divorce, the fear of being alone and real affection for someone can live in the same relationship. The question to ask is not “am I afraid?” but “is the fear making the decisions?” You can find out by checking whether you would still choose this person on a week when you knew you would be fine on your own.

Can I care about him and still be staying out of fear?

Yes. Both can be true at once, and usually are.

Yvonne is 57. She was married for 27 years and has been divorced for four. Her two children are grown and live in other cities. For nine months she has been seeing Gerald, a retired pharmacist who calls every evening at seven. Last week her sister asked, “So, do you love him?” Yvonne heard herself say, “He’s kind. He’s steady. He’s there.” Driving home, she noticed she had not said anything about laughing with him.

In a University of Utah study, people who were thinking about ending a relationship listed 27 distinct reasons to stay and 23 to leave.1 Many of them wanted to stay and wanted to leave at the same time.1 Some of the reasons to stay were about the partner and the closeness. Others were about the time already put in and practical worries like family disruption and money.1

So mixed feelings are not proof of settling. They are the normal state of anyone who is honestly deciding.

Am I staying for me, or for him?

After a divorce, some people find it hard to be the one who ends something. You may know exactly what that kind of ending feels like from the other side. Or you may have been the one who left, and you do not want to cause that hurt again.

Research backs this up. In a set of studies, when people believed their partner was deeply committed, they were less likely to start a breakup.2 That held even when they were less committed themselves, or not happy in the relationship.2

Kindness is a good quality. But staying to protect someone from hurt is not the same as choosing them. Notice which one you are doing. If Gerald’s certainty is the main thing holding Yvonne in place, that is worth knowing.

What does “alone” actually look like after divorce?

Often, the fear is not of being single. It is of one picture: the house on a Sunday night, the empty side of the table, the phone that does not ring at seven. That picture is borrowed from the hardest months of the divorce, when everything was raw.

Being single later in life is common, and not a sign that something went wrong. Researchers tracked people who divorced at 50 or older.3 Within 10 years, about 22% of the women and 37% of the men had a new partner.3 Money, health and social ties all played a part in who repartnered.3 Most did not, and that study does not measure how they felt about it.

Other research suggests that being single can feel quite different from person to person. A large New Zealand study of 4,024 adults found that single people who mostly wanted to avoid conflict and drama were as satisfied with life as people in relationships.4 People who strongly wanted closeness were happier, on average, when they had a partner.4 That study was of the general population, not divorced adults. Still, it suggests “alone” is not one fixed thing. It depends on what you want from people.

How do I tell settling from choosing?

Try separating four things on paper.

• What happened. “He calls every night at seven. He came to my granddaughter’s recital.”
• My reading of it. “He is reliable. Maybe that is enough.”
• The fear. “If I end this, I will be back in that empty house, and it will be my fault this time.”
• The next step. “Spend one weekend on my own, on purpose, and see what I miss.”

Then run the ex test. Would you still feel this pull toward him if your marriage had never happened, and you had no memory of the quiet house? If the answer is yes, you are probably choosing. If the honest answer is “I would have walked away by now,” the fear is doing more of the work.

What if I’m staying because I’m afraid of him?

That is a different question, and an important one. If you are staying because you are afraid of what he would do if you left, or because he watches your phone, controls the money or makes you feel scared, that is not settling. It is a safety issue. The hotline below this article can help you think it through, confidentially, at any hour.

When is it more than a relationship question?

Loneliness after a divorce can be heavy. If you feel low most days, have lost interest in things you used to enjoy, or feel hopeless about the future, please talk to a licensed mental-health professional. That help is about you, whatever you decide about him.

What to do this week

• Plan one good evening alone. Not a test of endurance. Make dinner you like, call a friend, see how the quiet actually feels now.
• Write the four lines. What happened, your reading, the fear, the next step. Keep the fear on its own line.
• Answer your sister’s question for yourself. Not “he is good to me.” What do you enjoy about him?
• Do not decide yet. This week is for seeing clearly, not for ending or committing.

On Saturday, Yvonne told Gerald she wanted a weekend to herself. She ate on the porch and went to bed early. On Sunday at seven, she realized she was looking forward to his call. She also noticed that she had been fine without it.